We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
You Might Also Like
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
🙀🙀🙀😹
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you