We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
bro what is going on at twitter
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.