Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming