Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.