We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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Spider-cat: No One Home
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body