We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Good morning!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.