Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s