Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Two types of dogs.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Spring of Deception

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers