@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

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@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

@Social_Mime

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

@panmidwest

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

@2facedshepherd

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

@karanbirtinna

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

@moooooog35

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.