Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
my mind
You just read my mind
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No