We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Krampus.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest