Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

My love language is deader than Latin

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done