Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Mood.. 😂

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Knock Knock

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.