Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

just arby’s bein’ a bro

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

In space, no one can hear…

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*