Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

*orders delivery*

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.