Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*