Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup