Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.