Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐