We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.