We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
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Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*