We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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this has done me in for some reason
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
wait.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.