We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.