Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.