We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
how to have an accident 101
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The two types of wives
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.