We are the people our parents warned us about.
You Might Also Like
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Saturday
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,