We are the people our parents warned us about.
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”