“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
You Might Also Like
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
he chose this
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.