We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.