We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
you gotta be faster
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Brb my Sims are getting married
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive