We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
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I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Always
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable