We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
You Might Also Like
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Happy thanksgiving
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.