We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
HR said no more nunchucks.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
The Book. The Movie.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single