We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”