Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

My birthstone is pecan pie.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

“Theirye’re” problem solved

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Me as a therapist: omg same

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

Cat.