We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
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the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.