We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently