We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
cyclists
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.