[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
just witnessed a drug deal
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.