@weinerdog4life
Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.
@living_marble
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
You Might Also Like
@weinerdog4life
@BoydPetrich
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
@BoogTweets
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
@GinRumMe
The most difficult part of this whole coronavirus covid-19 thing has been no free samples at Costco.
@mofrorock
Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD
@ShitIHearOnDuty
Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.
And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.
@TragicAllyHere
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
@Ad_Inifinitum
how to piss off everybody
@truegritrumble
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast