I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
You Might Also Like
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!