We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?