We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine