We avoided this particular disaster
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Beware of the dog..
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…