Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!