we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego