We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
they finally got him. they got macavity
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd