Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

And bowling should be called pinball

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed