We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
You Might Also Like
I have a type: disappointing
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
the world’s most popular steaming services
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.