We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I know
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL