Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

is nasa ok

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Monday?
No. Next question.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?