Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item