[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.