[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too