Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

my nickname in college

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren