[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I falcon love using swear birds
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier