We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce