We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
You Might Also Like
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew