Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”