We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Can’t, holding a grudge
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“I took care of your clown problem.”
