We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
do u think theres a butter planet?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
What a website
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I beg your pardon?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.