Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.