I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
⛄️
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.