Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

RT if you could go either way.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Couple goals

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.