Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

According to math, I’m broke

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Rooting for the overdog

thats my bad

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.