We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.