We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok