Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

Okay me first

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.