We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
You Might Also Like
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I’ve had relationships like this
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat