We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
A man of commitment.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That’s no pocket rocket.