Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.