Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch