We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My dad is at it again
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My work here is done
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.