We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
they split up moments later
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?