We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices