Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

PLOT TWIST:

rise and shine we got egg

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.