Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

#Caturday

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape